The wonder and arbitrary path of becoming a (foster) parent

由Adi Adiredja.

这是2018年夏天,我决定通过自己开始成为寄养父母的过程。我有一个计划。这是我在任期前的第四年的夏天。我打算完成所有文书工作,以便在夏天成为一名许可的寄养父母。在堕落中,我将专注于提交我希望提交任期的所有手稿。以这种方式到学期结束时,我会准备接受一个孩子(一个婴儿!)。当我将我的新角色调整为Queer Single父母时,我只会修改纸张。

Adi Adiredja is an Assistant Professor of Mathematics at the University of Arizona

一切都按照计划进行。我很快毕业于培养父母学院。我抱着所有的橱柜。我买了我的第一个灭火器。到10月,我通过了家庭检查并成为许可。然后,感恩节前一周我接到了我的许可代理。她问我是否有兴趣对另一个寄养父母进行喘息。两个甜蜜的小男孩,一个三岁的和他十岁的兄弟需要临时照顾周末。作为一个初级学者,我还在学习如何说“不”。

我的周末和男孩们都是我生命中最伟大的周末,也是最受身心的苛刻。这是我认为育儿的一切。我很快就学会了吃面包和孩子剩菜的快乐。我了解到,当你的孩子的鞋子落入动物园的动物展览时,这不是世界末日。谁在乎,如果这会让你的一天时间表搞砸了,现在你的三岁的孩子就在一只手臂上划注一只胳膊,而十岁岁的是另一边去看鸟儿?!

那个周末我也了解到,单个父母没有休息(Kudos给所有单身父母那里!)。我早上七点到了孩子们在晚上八岁。虽然洗澡后的笑声和依偎在字面上the bestthing, once the kids were read to and fallen asleep, I went on to do dishes, clean, and prep for the next day. Before I knew it, it was midnight and I had to go to bed and do it all over again the next morning. Three days of this and my body gave out. I was sick by the time I dropped the boys off with their foster mom. Work did not even cross my mind. I was barely taking care of my basic needs. With tenure in mind, I had to accept that I just could not do it. I had to make a choice between tenure and being a parent. I called my agency and told them to put my license on hold indefinitely.

快进一年,我的论文发表了。我开始了一段感情,找到了一个首次自制买家计划,帮助我买了我的第一家。我不得不做另一家庭检查来更新我的寄养许可证。2019年10月下旬完成的分钟,我收到了我的许可代理的另一个电话。这次告诉我一个特别的14岁女孩,她识别为LGBT,并被描述为我有“较深的皮肤”。当我们开始许可进程时,我告诉我的代理商,如果在需要一个家庭的系统中有任何奇怪的颜色孩子,请告诉我。

M’s drawing of Adi.

The first time I met M, she told me that her favorite school subject was math. I believed it was a sign! Of course, later I found out M had googled me and learned about my job. Did I tell you this girl was smart? M moved in with me and my partner last Christmas day, and I officially become a foster parent. M is a rambunctious girl who loves dark humor and physical comedy. I have learned that the joy of parenting a teenager is different. I don’t get the after bath giggles and snuggles of a three-year-old, but I do get to talk to her about her classes and what she has learned. M also likes to draw. It’s much easier to pretend to like a drawing of a teen than that of three-year-old. That said, I may or may not have teared up when she gave me the drawing… I also learned that I am that dad who would embarrass his kid at the checkout line. Turns out picking on my kid brings me joy.

M and Adi.

然后大流行,一切都颠覆了。The plans for M’s quinceañera in March had to change. Thanks to friends from near and far, we were able to have a simple Zoom quince, not with courts, but still with a dress, a crown, and a two-tiered cake! Pozoles, tacos, and hot Cheetos, all of M’s favorites completed the menu for the night. For the rest of the semester, I juggled homeschooling, learning how to teach online, paper revisions,andputting together my tenure dossier. Stressful would be an understatement. We tried our best to manage it as a new family.

Balancing parenting, work, and life during a pandemic is nearly impossible. That said, M’s coming into my life has made me a better person, a better partner, and a better scholar. I still have not experienced that awe of meeting a baby for the first time after birth, but I feel the same sense of arbitrariness with M. I try to remind M every day that she is excellent, that she is worthy, and that she is incredibly loved. She reluctantly listens for now. I just hope that M wouldn’t wait until tenure to believe those words about herself. It’s funny, I used to think that I couldn’t become a parent before I had a partner, bought a house and had tenure. M came into my life after I bought a house and found a partner. Perhaps it’s a sign that the third thing I thought I needed will come soon, or perhaps she came into my life to remind me that everything I have ever needed has been here all along.

此条目已发布COVIDfoster parentingUncategorized。书签书签永久链接

Leave a Reply

您的电子邮件地址不会被公开。必需的地方已做标记*

HTML tags are not allowed.

1,313 Spambots Blocked by简单评论